I'm 35 currently living in the US and about to begin a whole new chapter of life...

I guess I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but isn't that what makes you who you are? looking back I see things I would maybe have done differently, but then I realize what I would have missed if I'd never done them.

I got married too young, but if I hadn't I wouldn't be able to tell everyone how proud I am of my stepdaughter Laura. That is one young lady I will never regret having in my life. Maybe I would have gone to college, maybe I wouldn't.. who knows.. and anyway it's never too late to go back and get an education if you want one bad enough... Laura showed me that by recently completing her degree at 24, whilst holding down a full-time job. It's funny really, I always used to tell her you can do anything you want if you want it enough.. and here she is 10 years later proving to me that it's true. I'm at a crossroads in my own life and it's time to figure out what I REALLY want out of life... better late than never huh!

It's so easy to give advice... but following your own "good advice" is a little harder.

Starting over again at 35 is kinda scary. When you realize that you really haven't done much of anything employment wise and that housewife isn't the greatest thing to have on your resume, where do you start?
It's not that you don't know anything, hell no one can get to my age without learning a thing or two, but where do those things fit into the big picture of a return to work woman? and who appreciates life skills as being as valuable as a degree? The funny thing is this is my second time round in this situation, so I'm not as worried as I was the first time. Ironically the person who gave me my chance last time is the person who left me in this mess this time.... It's a funny ol world

They say don't marry your boss... hmm oh how wise we are after the fact ! But again, I wouldn't go back and change a thing because I'm here because of it all, I'm who I am because of it.. the good the bad and the downright scary.. as I used to tell Laura .. all knowledge is good knowledge and I still believe that. I have to keep believing, that I'm learning PHP after years of letting it intimidate me.. and you know what, it's really not so bad when you actually take the plunge and tackle your kryptonite. It may take me longer than some people.. but I'll get there ....because I want to.

I've been called many thing, intolerant was probably the funniest. Only funny because the person who called me that had probably tested my patience and tolerance way beyond the point most people are allowed to. He was right .. to a degree; I hate waste, the waste of human life makes me frustrated sometimes. Maybe it's because I know I could have done so much more myself and haven't ...YET.
One thing I totally hold to be true is that people can only affect you if you let them, blaming your childhood or your job or other things for the state of your life is silly. If you don't like it move on; and yeah I know that isn't always easy, but who said something worth doing had to be easy?

My childhood sucked; its better than some, worse than others.. but it was mine and how I let it rule my future was down to me. I'm the youngest of 5 and the sad thing is I'm probably the most well adjusted out of all of us.. now that is just scarey.
I've made my share of bad decisions along the way, but they were MY decisions and it's my decision to let them continue or to put a stop to it. It took me a long time to really get it through my head that you can't live your life for everyone else, I spent years trying to be what my mom thought I should be, what my ex husband wanted his "trophy wife" to be... but one thing that has stayed the same all the way through is my basic moral code. It's not dictated by faith or politics, it's something in me that has evolved over the years into a personal moral code I try and live by. Hell it's far from perfect but I believe I'm a decent human being and have some value in society.

I'm also very opinionated, I'm strong willed and stubborn and fiercely loyal to family and friends. I'm willing to stand up and argue my opinion when necessary and hate people who use positions of power to pull the "because I say so" routine. If I'm wrong.. tell me why, show me why.. I might not agree but if you have a good argument I'm listening.

I'm an Aries through and through.....

As you poke around this site you'll find out more about me and my opinionated self; some you may agree with some you may strongly oppose, but that's the great thing about the human race.. we're all different. It's all a matter of respecting each other and if that means removing yourself from a situation you can't live with then so be it. Sometimes tolerance isn't about putting up with things you don't like; its about letting people live their lives the way they see fit, but standing up for your own right not to have to live that way. We all have choices.. how we make them is up to us.

One of my biggest things about life and changing it, is having to recognize your own weaknesses and faults. If you can't admit a problem you will never be able to fix it, honesty starts with yourself.. and boy is that a tough one. Self confidence.. oh what a mixed up thing that is... the root of so many issues and something we never really seem to get right. It's that middle of the night visitor who catches you when all is quiet just before you goto sleep.. when all of the day to day distractions are gone and all that is left are those thoughts running around your head like a kaleidoscope on acid. I don't think anyone is ever truly self confident, I think we just learn to hide our weaknesses and put up facades to keep people from finding our Achilles heel.

My confession: One of my biggest problems has always been self confidence and that manifested itself in strange ways over the years. As I get older I've begun to realize how much physical appearance and the need to be attractive has shaped the way I am. I've never been one to diet or even consider surgery.. but I realized that how I felt about me was dictated way too much by how others reacted to me as a woman. One day the cute lil Brit with a nice pair of boobs was going to get old and not so physically attractive and I'd like to think that there is something more to me than just physical appeal. I have a good brain; badly under utilized at times, I'm honest and hard working and fight for what I believe in when it matters... those things I'll have much longer than perky boobs and a decent figure. It's an ongoing battle with myself; to be honest with myself and to make the changes I need to make in my life to be the person I could be one day. Change is scary and it's never easy... but is the alternative really any easier?

All you can do is be the best you can be, no one is perfect no matter how much better everyone else's life seems you can bet your bottom dollar they have issues too.

Making mistakes isn't a bad thing, not learning from them is... never be scared to trust in yourself. After 2 failed marriages and umpteen situations where I could easily feel unable to trust people and myself.. I'm getting married again. I'm not perfect, he's not perfect.. but together we have untold potential yet to be discovered... and I can't wait. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a few reservations, but life is too short to be too scared to venture into new waters. I've done so many new things over the last few years, been to places I would never have imagined I'd get, met people who shaped my life... and the most important person I have met... is me... and I'm only just beginning.

Watch out world here I come!

I'm kinda enjoying getting to know me, even if I am a pain in the ass at times.

Sometimes in life you just have to strap on the steel toe caps, close your eyes and jump.. you might just surprise yourself !















- living life in an organized mess



**A big thank you to my friend Thomas for his artistic impressions of me above. I mutilated his wonderful art to make this signature. Big Hugz !!!